Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
