He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
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