Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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