I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Still dying that you shit outside
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
