I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
