He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize