Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
