I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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