The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
