I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
