My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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