Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Bring me that man meat
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize