I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
