At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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