Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
