Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
