Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
