Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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