Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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