Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
40s are totally the cure
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
