I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
