I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
