took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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