I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
