girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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