I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
