Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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