His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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