Don't make out with my wife yet
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
