Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
