when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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