Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Drunk is a universal language darling
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
