lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize