i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just gift wrapped bread.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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