I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
