last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
