Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize