Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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