So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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