3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize