she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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