a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
