If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
