batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
