I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
