Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
