Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I need water and some morals
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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