Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
