No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you are never too drunk for berry picking
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize