mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
