i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Randomize
