ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize