I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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