It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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