i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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