I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
